Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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