Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
