went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
