I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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