Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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