And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
