I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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