I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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