my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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