It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
