The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
smell my finger.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
