i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i think i have two assholes
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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