my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
The uberlube is also flammable
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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