I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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