i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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