Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
