i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
