i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
if only i could text you this smell
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
