Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
