Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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