I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
