i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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