I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
