First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
