I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
