just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
