He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
