I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
