1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
fuck your aforementioned shoe
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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