There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
