Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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