i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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