I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
