you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
23 People Reveal The Worst Culture Shock They’ve Ever Experienced While Traveling
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap