I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
Love having children with random chicks
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,