my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
21 Disappointing Confessions From Teenage Fathers
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.