Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
