I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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