if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
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When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
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I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry