Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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