I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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