I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
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Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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