It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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