last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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