Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Sext me about skeletons
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
