dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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