Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
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