And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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