ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
