Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
