He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
