I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
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