Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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