I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i think i scared a bird with my dick
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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