i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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