everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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