I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
