Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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