I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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