He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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