I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me