i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness