you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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